Hope … and all that jazz!

January 1, 2015

I need to take a moment to reflect that we really are in 2015! How did these last twelve months spin by? What a year it’s been. I’ll have to rewind a bit earlier, 13 months ago something started to ‘stir’. I had no idea what was in store for me but over a year on I’m finally getting reacquainted with my true self!

I’ve always been a worrier, ever since grade school, worrying about grades, not doing well enough, not being liked enough, not saying the “right” thing, or choosing the “right” major in school, keeping everyone happy (but me!), trying so very hard to “fit” into a model ascribed by social doctrines and traditions that my soul found very hard to digest, yet, I had to comply. Or so I “thought”…

Fast-forward to November 2013, a point in my life I’d say was my ultimate “worry” destination. With looming redundancies, a then 2-year old to look after and a back injury that left me out of work for three weeks life looked at its bleakest for me. Randomly without much thinking I recall reading an email about a workshop on Clarity for Business and Personal success that was being held in London in February. For some strange reason I felt compelled to sign up. That email then spurred a curiosity about the title of the book Clarity, which led to me ordering and reading the book which then spun off a myriad of other books that soon followed including Michael Neill’s  ‘The Inside Out Revolution’… Again, all I can remember from that time was something stirring but I couldn’t really put my finger on it, I had no clue what was going on but I remember for the first time in a long while I felt good…

So I attended the workshop in February, my husband and daughter joined me for the trip and during our visit my daughter had dislocated her elbow while at an indoor play group. My husband was clear-headed enough to take her to the ER and have her looked after all while I was being immersed in this new learning I was uncovering. For the first time I started to wonder ‘what if I was making my reality all up?’… ‘what if everything I’d ever felt was being generated by thought and not from the circumstances, events, people, etc’…’what if I had it all backwards trying to fix, control, shape, model, or contort my thinking’… Knowing what a worrier I was he didn’t tell me until after I’d finished the workshop for fear of me snapping and breaking down. This time though I didn’t. All I remember feeling was intense gratitude and love for how he showed up and looked after her. I wish I’d taken a photo of the awestruck look on his face! That’s when I knew there was something behind this, there was some unseen magic here and I was definitely on to something…this feeling led me to commit to a year-long training with Jamie Smart, the biggest “personal development” commitment I’ve ever made. My worried thoughts at the time were, I sure hope this pays off!!

This was it, I thought, all those years of searching for the ‘pot of gold’ of inner happiness and peace and I’ve somehow stumbled upon this understanding and voila my life will transform miraculously before my eyes. Or so I thought …

The months that followed can only be described as an emotional rollercoaster with very intense highs yet by the same token really sharp lows too. The low patch stretched into a phase that just hung around for a while. That’s when my thinking really went south. I thought, I’m the exception, I’m not “getting this”, maybe finding inner peace and happiness isn’t meant for me…and so just when it looks like the darkest hours the light finally creeps in and the moment I gave up on trying so hard to master this new understanding is when I started to see the implications of what I’d already started learning play out in my every day mundane life. Life started to look delightful again and not burdensome. It was something to marvel over and notice the many miracles in plain sight. I started to notice cloud formations on my drive to work and new species of butterflies in the parking lot! I started to slow down and take life in. To notice people, smile more, greet strangers and start up conversations. This had a tremendous impact on my relationship with my now 3-year old daughter. I was at her pace and looking at life through her lens for the very first time.

I’ve come to see that transformation is not a clean-cut process per se, just as a caterpillar literally digests itself before it transforms into a butterfly (or moth!) as human beings we too go through a shedding of our old habitual thought patterns to make room for the potential for new reality that we can create from fresh new thought at any given moment.

The whole self-help and personal development industry is geared towards “fixing” what’s broken with the overriding assumption that we’re in fact broken vessels. My 2014 journey to begin understanding the principles behind the human experience, really lifting the veil to see how the ‘trick of the mind’ actually works, and not just for me but for EVERYONE on this planet nudged me back to that deep reservoir of inner resilience, wellbeing, peace, happiness and security that was already part of my standard “default settings”. This is a lifelong learning path and I’m so very grateful to have stumbled across it when I did.

If someone had told me a year ago that by the end of 2014 I would have attended a workshop in February, signed up to a year-long practitioner training program, had the great fortune to attend the 3 Principles Annual Conference and rediscover my passion for cartoon-ing and collaborate on my drawings with amazing platforms such as Born Happy and Clear Mind Academy …I would have said not a chance! Even though everything on the outside is still pretty much the same (same job, same colleagues, same family, same commute, same traffic etc …)so much has shifted for me on the inside that it’s getting hard to keep it all boxed in.

It feels great to finally come home to who I really am. It doesn’t mean I always “live” there but it’s hopeful to know I won’t get too lost out there for too long.

Watch out world in 2015!



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