Living in Denial? …

November 24, 2014

Wow. 2014 is coming to a wrap. This year has truly flown by for me. I realized the last post I’ve written was well over 6 months ago! It truly has been an emotional roller coaster over the past few months and if I look “out” at all the events and circumstances around me at the moment there would be a point not so long ago where I would be completely absorbed by what was happening ‘out there’ and would have believed that “it” was the cause of everything I was feeling ‘in here’. Funnily this isn’t the case today. I can no longer cast blame on the world out there for how I’m feeling at any given moment. For I’ve been shown the ‘magic’ trick, I’ve witnessed the veil lift from my thought-created reality and have seen that I am the creator of my feeling state at any given moment.

So, what changed?

This time last year, life at work was somewhat turbulent with talk of looming redundancies and possible restructuring and job cuts. In retrospect I can see now how I got completely carried away and obsessed by my negative thought clouds. It was “the” topic I would speak about to anyone and everyone and any time I would catch myself in a ‘lighter’ mood, I would diligently drag myself back down into the doldrums because it was a “serious” matter and I needed to “think” very “seriously” about it because I was a “serious” person. Or so I believed at the time. Somehow though in those rare bouts of quiet I came across the book “Clarity: Clear Mind. Better Performance. Bigger Results” by my now coach and mentor, Jamie Smart.

I started reading at the time not really grasping much of what Jamie was pointing to but I remember “feeling good” as I read through and attributed my lighter mood to him and his book and thus set off on a goal to learn more from Jamie so I attended a workshop he ran earlier this year and then ended up signing up to a year-long practitioner program that kicked off just a few months ago. However, the more I dove in to the understanding of the principles behind our state-of-mind the more I started to see this had nothing to do with Jamie! This was all being created by me. The highs, the lows, the entire spectrum of emotions. One source. Disorienting didn’t begin to explain how I was feeling at the time!

Fast-forward to today; and I’ve noticed that I’m in a much more calm and peaceful state of mind most of the time. I guess you’d say well, I’m sure your ‘outer’ world is calm and peaceful right now and the answer is not particularly. You see, a few weeks ago, a public announcement was made by the CEO of the company I work for that they were being acquired by a larger competitor in the industry. This merger would be the largest this industry would have witnessed so far. Big news. Normally what happens after these huge announcements is the steady flow of speculation, panic-loops and guess work. Rumors of job cuts round the bend. Talk of “the business folks are safe, it’s the support functions that’ll take a hit.”… You get the picture. Somehow, through all of the speculation and the noise this time around I’m quite surprised at how calm I am. I don’t find myself curious to feed off the rumor mill or seek out the latest speculative theory out there. Some have commented that I seem indifferent to what’s going on, caught in my own world and wait for it…“in denial”. That really got me laughing! This new ‘calmer’ me has gotten people around me ‘worried’ and suspecting that I’m in denial about all the changes ahead. I don’t really know what this situation at work will bring but I have this inner “knowing” that however which way things unfold I’ll be OK no matter what. It’s not an intellectual “I’ll be OK because I have a contingency plan A, B or C drawn up”… It’s a deep in my gut and soul of souls knowing that I’ll be OK. I know I have within me the resources I need and connection to a deeper intelligence behind life to handle anything and everything that comes my way… so I don’t need to ‘figure it out’. What a relief!

What does this all mean?

It means I’m finding myself much more present with the people I interact with. At work, at home, at the grocery store… I’ve got much less personal thinking going on in my mind and am able to show up to life and respond to what’s there in front of me in the moment. I’m more at ease with myself and others knowing that we’re all getting tricked by our thinking time and again and constantly caught in a massive misunderstanding about how our experience of life really works. It means I can slow down and appreciate the ordinary moments and I don’t need to have all the answers. It means I’m enjoying hanging out in this space of ‘not knowing’ much more than I used to.

So to answer the question: No, I’m not living in denial. I’m living in more clarity than I’ve ever been and I’m enjoying it!



Photo credit: courtesy of winnond at


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